Fatass Does a Juice Cleanse

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Picking up my cleanse at Juice Press, and, as you can tell, I am the face of enthusiasm!

I Survived

...but Barely

Wednesdays are reserved for adventures.

Hey, LoDown fam! My name is Chris. I’m the guy who takes all of the photos you see on a daily basis. I know what you’re probably thinking, “Why the eff is the photographer writing a story?” That’s a good question. Let me explain…

While discussing possible adventures to take on in the world of food and fashion, juice cleanses came up. The team immediately shifted their focus to me, a self-proclaimed fatass. They figured it’d be funny to give the “foodie with a booty” a three-day juice cleanse. Let’s fast forward to when my story begins.

August 24, 2015 (The Day Before the Cleanse)— The LoDown crew hits up Juice Press in the East Village where I get my three day’s worth of juices (and a lifetime’s worth of anxiety). While the whole team exchanged giggles and I eyed them with death glares, the Juice Press staff neatly lined up 18 juices, colors ranging anywhere from green to yellow to red. I received a pamphlet and felt reassured by its second bullet point. “Rest,” it read, “For best results, take a break from exercise.” I remembered thinking there was hope. Famous last thoughts.

Day 1

9:19 a.m. Just woke up. Took what I expected to be my last solid shit. Ridiculously anxious at the thought of no food for the next three days, which is a nightmare I have definitely had before.

10:07 a.m. First drink down the hatch called “Love at First Sight”. If that’s what love at first sight is like, I have no problems with being single. Feeling much better about this cleanse, but still super fucking hungry and lowkey bitter that I couldn’t put a greasy bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich into my body.

10:37 a.m. Got to work. On the way, my bag fell off my bike and I was more worried about the juices than my $3,000 MacBook. The juices are changing me. I also passed approximately 213 restaurants, and each was a kick to the babymaker.

11:13 a.m. I already want food and coffee. I feel tired and sluggish, but that might be because I don’t have my life together… the jury’s still out on that one.

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Here is solid evidence proving how productive I was at work while being on a juice cleanse…

12:41 p.m. Just finished my second drink. It had a thicker consistency. I don’t feel like fainting as much. To be honest, I can’t stop thinking about smelling pad Thai and French fries.

2:04 p.m. I’m watching my coworkers eat our catered lunch…excuse me while I stab myself in the leg with a thumbtack. If you know me, there is nothing I show more enthusiasm for than free food. I am weak.

3:06 p.m. Just finished drink number three and my mouth now tastes like a mix of my front lawn and a middle-aged man’s vegetable garden. I’m feeling good every time I drink a juice because my stomach feels fuller. This is probably what it’s like to be a model at Fashion Week—to crave food but to not be allowed to eat it.

5:08 p.m. Trying to get through “Doctor Earth”. It is ROUGH. There’s more ginger in it than a redhead convention. My hunger hasn’t been bad, but I miss eating actual food and the idea of eating.

5:14 p.m. I just opened a bag of chips in the office to smell them. Actually, it worked very well. I’m now getting weird looks from people in the office.

7:37 p.m. I made the mistake of going into Whole Foods with my friend. Had a very public meltdown. The Lord is testing me. If you’re doing a juice cleanse, stay home with no food and just sleep for three days.

9:49 p.m. I finished juice number five, and it was VERY gingery. I’m a bigger fan of Nickleback than I am of this drink. Also, I just want some fried chicken and Chipotle. I’m now staring at a bag of chips from across the room in my bed. Heavily debating whether or not to sneak one, but I have too much pride (and a really aggressive conscious).

11:47 p.m. Finished my last drink called “Glo” and enjoyed it very much. I would definitely enjoy a Dominos pizza way more but oh well. Time to go to sleep or pass out from the lack of usual calories. We’ll see which happens first…

Day 2

11:12 a.m. Woke up after sleeping in because I’m worth it. I actually feel…great? I know, I’m surprised too. I don’t feel hungry or anything, but I have to unleash the Pacific Ocean from my bladder.

12:34 p.m. I just finished the first juice of the day. Really delicious, but I’m already hungry and my apartment smells like pizza. So, there’s that.

1:37 p.m. Finished juice number two called the “Fountain of Youth”, and I feel like Jennifer Anniston. It may be my favorite drink of the cleanse.

4:17 p.m. I finished “Doctor Earth” and it was worse than I remembered. I thought I was going strong today, but as the day progressed, I desperately want food…and to not be an adult anymore but that’s life, Chris.

6:47 p.m. I went to Duane Reade to get a jug of water because that’s the only other f%*&ing thing I can put into my body besides these damn juices. I’m getting frustrated with not being able to eat, as you can tell. New York gets boring real quick when you take solid food out of the equation.

7:14 p.m. – Finished a red drink called “Lucky Seven”, and I hated it as much as I hate school.

9:04 p.m. Just sharted my pants.

9:09 p.m. False alarm.

Day 3

11:41 a.m.  I just woke up and am feeling great mostly because I’m thinking about all of the food I will be knee deep in tomorrow.

12:14 p.m. Finished juice number one. I have so much motivation to make it through to the end of today.

3:29 p.m. I forget how many juices I’ve finished at this point, but I can assure you that they all tasted very green and very NOT like a cheeseburger with a side of fries.

5:47 p.m. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel…or is that just a neon sign advertising 99¢ pizza? Either way, I’m very into it.

7:01 p.m. Jamming to Justin Bieber’s new song “What Do You Mean” which was exactly what I told the Juice Press staff when they said I couldn’t eat for three days.

9:58 p.m. I JUST FINISHED MY LAST JUICE! I would do a celebratory dance but that would require more energy that I have so let’s just use our imaginations.

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As you can see, I am GLOing with happiness that I had just finished my last juice (it’s okay, I hate myself for that pun too)

What to expect when doing a juice cleanse: So, unless you’ve slipped into a coma at the beginning of this adventure and woke up here, at the end of the story, the point to take away is that you can’t have food unless you count a few almonds. It is possible to do but it also takes a lot of will power. The first day was the hardest for me. After that, I began to feel more and more like an asshat because the cleanse was all I talked about. Then, I got mad at my friends for eating food. Sorry, friends.

Stock up on adult diapers. You will live in the bathroom. I’m trying my best to avoid being graphic for our sensitive reader with social graces. But anyway, let’s just say that as a guy, I didn’t have to sit down quite as much during the cleanse. When I did though, it was a runny doozy.

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The day after the cleanse with my one true love #relationshipgoals

All in all, it really wasn’t as bad as I was expected, but then again, I was expecting to look and feel malnourished and be well on my way to my deathbed. Would I do it again? Probably not. I love solid food far more than the average human should. However, I did feel very healthy and I did notice my skin clear up. Was it a coincidence I didn’t have a single zit either or those three days? That’s not important. Anyway, duty calls, a.k.a. a very large plate of Pad Thai!

TheLoDown