• Let’s Play “Would You Rather” #LIVE

    Harry Potter or Game of Thrones?

     

    Both, duh.

    It’s Wednesday evening again, pretty ladies (and gents) and that means it’s time to go #LIVE!!!  This week we’re playing the delightful and surprising game of “Would You Rather” that we all know and love so dearly.  Tune in below, or if you’re late to the game catch up by tuning in and leave your comments!



     

  • Man vs. Chipotle Burrito Bowl

    I Spent $28.50 on a chipotle Burrito Bowl

    It was Awesome

    Hey, Guys! It’s Chris again—the fulltime fatass who has forced my dysfunctional life upon you whether you like it or not. When thinking of an adventure for this week, I seriously considered my options. Yoga? Nah. Vegan? Absolutely not. And then, it hit me.

    I’ve read plenty of articles on how to get the most “bang for your buck” at Chipotle. As a raging enthusiast of the restaurant chain, however, I have fantasized scenarios on how much I could spend on a single burrito bowl—nothing short of a personal dream I’ve had since gliding out of my mom’s…nevermind. Thus, another out of hand LoDown adventure was born.

    Last Monday, September 28, I decided to hit up the Chipotle on St. Marks, the one I frequent way more than I do my own home. Side note: that was for sure one of, if not, the saddest sentences I have ever typed. Yikes. Anyway, I walked into 19 St. Marks Place feeling like this adventure was my destiny, which is also how I fully expect to feel when greeted at the gates of hell after I die from the monster I am about to create.

    Obviously had to snapchat (itschrisklemens) my adventure because I'm a gross millennial.

    Obviously had to snapchat itschrisklemens my adventure because I’m a gross millennial. (Photo by Katia Temkin)

    I make my way to the counter and am greeted by an elderly woman who is just trying her best and is by no means ready for this jelly. I immediately start listing my demands before she even has time to ask me what I’d like to order, further proving my addiction to food.

    “I’d like rice, black and pinto beans, aaaaand (wait for it) double of every meat, please,” I say. It was in that moment I honestly thought the poor old woman was going to drop to the floor from cardiac arrest. I’m pretty sure her eyes widened the biggest they’ve ever been in her entire life. “You want DOUBLE of every meat?” she asked with the utmost confusion. She clearly didn’t know she was dealing with an Olympic gold metal fatass.

    Meats on meats on meats

    Meats on meats on meats. (Photo by Katia Temkin)

    Between piling on the meats and making sure they don’t spill from the bowl (very important), she hollers out to the cashier, “Hey, Linda, are you keeping track of all of this?” After the meats are in the bowl, she tells me that the rest of the toppings, which included double guac, will have to be put in another bowl because there was no more room in the current bowl. Goals.

    I get to the cash register and nervously anticipate the damage I’m about to do to my bank account and my already piece-of-shit body. She rings up the total, which turned out to be $28.50. Much like reading the bible and finding out Jesus died (spoiler alert), I was sad and disappointed, but I then reminded myself that Jesus died for me to do this…I think. I don’t know, I read the Sparknotes.

    For anyone thinking I was lying about spending $28.50 on a single burrito bowl....sadly I'm not.

    For anyone thinking I was lying about spending $28.50 on a single burrito bowl….sadly I’m not. (Photo by Katia Temkin)

    Anyway, back to the more important matter, my 14-pound burrito bowl. After a struggle on par with the Great Depression and The Oregon Trail, I finally mixed everything together in one bowl and went to town on my creation. Actually, I’d say I was on my way to town but had to turn around because I forgot my wallet at home because I could only finish half of the monstrosity I created.

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    Honestly, this picture is a little arousing…kidding kinda. (Photo by Katia Temkin)

    Yes, it was almost $30, but the good thing is that I had food (and irritable bowel syndrome) for the rest of the week. Oh, the memz.

    Moral of the story, friends: The guac isn’t always greener on the other side.

    Feel free to share my story with your friends especially those who share my addiction with Chipotle, but in the meantime, I have a toilet to clog. Until next time, guys!

    If this isn't the cover of my autobiography if I write one, I have done it all wrong. Photo by Katia Temkin

    If this isn’t the cover of my autobiography if I write one, I have done it all wrong. (Photo by Katia Temkin)

  • Blondes Have More Fun

    …and I’m Having an OK Time

    Chronicles of a Hair-Dyer

    Wednesdays are reserved for adventures.

    Hey, LoDown fam! It’s Chris again, the sad sack of garbage who brought you the juice cleanse story. I’m back because you all enjoyed reading about my agony (how dare you). On this particular adventure, I will explore the world of hair dying. Now, I won’t be talking about going to a salon or whatever people who have money and time do to get their hair professionally done because that would be too simple and too easy. I’m talkin’ about sitting on my bed while my friend, who is visiting, has no time to think of an excuse to get out of helping me. Ah, friendship.

    But first, where are my manners? Allow me to give you some backstory as to why I dyed my hair. A few months ago, I stole a MacBook from the Apple Store and ended up killing a man to get away and needed a new identity. Just kidding, although that would probably make for a much better adventure—maybe next month?

    In all seriousness, I’ve wanted to dye my hair white for so long because I just wanted to do something crazy and live on the edge. Naturally, I turn to hair dying for that rush of adrenaline. I know, I know. I’m WILD!!!! One day, I thought long and hard, which means maybe 2 minutes tops, about it and realized that it’s only hair, and as the great Drake once said, “YOLO”.

    To be honest, I went into this process like Helen Keller went up stairs—very blindly. I couldn’t have known less when I walked into Ricky’s NYC to get an buttload of hair bleach (yes, buttload is an actual form of measurement) and a bunch of other miscellaneous stuff. Back at my apartment, my room suddenly felt like the set of Breaking Bad because my friend Dori and I were mixing chemicals with other chemicals in a very small space.

    Here are all of the chemicals I put in my hair...science is cool!!!!

    Here are all of the chemicals I put in my hair…science is cool!!!!

    #friendshipgoals or me not giving her any other options? Basically the same thing...

    #friendshipgoals or me not giving her any other options? Basically the same thing…

    After 45 minutes and tolerating the feeling of each hair being plucked out one by one, I washed the first round of bleach out only to find that I looked like a mass-murdering Ed Sheeran to star in a redundant Marvel film coming out early next year. At this point, I was saying what my mom probably said at my birth, “WHAT THE F%$K HAVE I DONE”?

    My "Ed Sheeran just landed a role as a villain in a Marvel film" look

    My “Ed Sheeran just landed a role as a villain in a Marvel film” look

    I am a goddamn trendsetter, guys.

    I am a goddamn trendsetter, guys.

    After recuperating, we did a second round of bleach to get my hair even lighter. At this point, it felt as if every Boy Scout troop ever created was having a bonfire on top of my head. Fun! I washed that out and toned my hair with a “Pale Ash Blonde” color, which to me translated to “a bunch of adjectives all describing the same thing” but that is neither here nor there. By now, I was happy with the color, mostly because it didn’t feel super yellow blonde and because I had left behind my role in the upcoming Marvel film. Looking back on it now, with a head full of dead white hair, I hate the color “Pale Ash Blonde” created.

    Processed with VSCOcam with hb2 preset

    The outcome of the “Pale Ash Blonde”, or as normal people call it: “Gray blonde”

    You may be asking, “But Chris! How did you get your hair white?”. Fantastic question, *insert your name here*. The secret to getting your hair as light as possible without fully killing it is using Shimmer Light’s purple shampoo and conditioner. I leave the conditioner in for 3-5 minutes. It’s crazy how well the conditioner turned my hair white/slight purple tint.

    You also may be asking, “But Chris! Was it worth it?”. Okay, first of all, you need to relax with all these questions. But yes, I couldn’t feel happier and more myself with my new hair. I look at old photos with my brown hair and I feel like that isn’t the real me. I am so much more confident and have learned to really live for myself and not worry about what other people think, which hasn’t ever really been an issue for me. My message to you would be to just do it if you’re thinking about dying your hair. It’s hair. But also, it’s really difficult hair to maintain. I was thinking I would just dye my hair and everything would be great, but it’s a lot of maintenance, which is something I absolutely despise.

    Finally! My hair is so white, it can talk back to cops (Photo by Alivia Latimer)

    Finally! My hair is so white, it can talk back to cops and get away with it (Photo by Alivia Latimer)

    I can’t believe I just wrote a whole adventure about my hair, but it’s happened and there’s no turning back now. Let me know in the comments which hair color you like better and also what color you would want to dye your hair!

    Team Brown? Team White? Team Who-Gives-A-F%$K-About-My-Hair-Color?

    Team Brown? Team White? Team Who-Gives-A-F*$K-About-My-Hair-Color?

    Blondes Have More Fun
    Thoughts on my hair color?
  • Fatass Does a Juice Cleanse

    IMG_6439

    Picking up my cleanse at Juice Press, and, as you can tell, I am the face of enthusiasm!

    I Survived

    ...but Barely

    Wednesdays are reserved for adventures.

    Hey, LoDown fam! My name is Chris. I’m the guy who takes all of the photos you see on a daily basis. I know what you’re probably thinking, “Why the eff is the photographer writing a story?” That’s a good question. Let me explain…

    While discussing possible adventures to take on in the world of food and fashion, juice cleanses came up. The team immediately shifted their focus to me, a self-proclaimed fatass. They figured it’d be funny to give the “foodie with a booty” a three-day juice cleanse. Let’s fast forward to when my story begins.

    August 24, 2015 (The Day Before the Cleanse)— The LoDown crew hits up Juice Press in the East Village where I get my three day’s worth of juices (and a lifetime’s worth of anxiety). While the whole team exchanged giggles and I eyed them with death glares, the Juice Press staff neatly lined up 18 juices, colors ranging anywhere from green to yellow to red. I received a pamphlet and felt reassured by its second bullet point. “Rest,” it read, “For best results, take a break from exercise.” I remembered thinking there was hope. Famous last thoughts.

    Day 1

    9:19 a.m. Just woke up. Took what I expected to be my last solid shit. Ridiculously anxious at the thought of no food for the next three days, which is a nightmare I have definitely had before.

    10:07 a.m. First drink down the hatch called “Love at First Sight”. If that’s what love at first sight is like, I have no problems with being single. Feeling much better about this cleanse, but still super fucking hungry and lowkey bitter that I couldn’t put a greasy bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich into my body.

    10:37 a.m. Got to work. On the way, my bag fell off my bike and I was more worried about the juices than my $3,000 MacBook. The juices are changing me. I also passed approximately 213 restaurants, and each was a kick to the babymaker.

    11:13 a.m. I already want food and coffee. I feel tired and sluggish, but that might be because I don’t have my life together… the jury’s still out on that one.

    IMG_6473

    Here is solid evidence proving how productive I was at work while being on a juice cleanse…

    12:41 p.m. Just finished my second drink. It had a thicker consistency. I don’t feel like fainting as much. To be honest, I can’t stop thinking about smelling pad Thai and French fries.

    2:04 p.m. I’m watching my coworkers eat our catered lunch…excuse me while I stab myself in the leg with a thumbtack. If you know me, there is nothing I show more enthusiasm for than free food. I am weak.

    3:06 p.m. Just finished drink number three and my mouth now tastes like a mix of my front lawn and a middle-aged man’s vegetable garden. I’m feeling good every time I drink a juice because my stomach feels fuller. This is probably what it’s like to be a model at Fashion Week—to crave food but to not be allowed to eat it.

    5:08 p.m. Trying to get through “Doctor Earth”. It is ROUGH. There’s more ginger in it than a redhead convention. My hunger hasn’t been bad, but I miss eating actual food and the idea of eating.

    5:14 p.m. I just opened a bag of chips in the office to smell them. Actually, it worked very well. I’m now getting weird looks from people in the office.

    7:37 p.m. I made the mistake of going into Whole Foods with my friend. Had a very public meltdown. The Lord is testing me. If you’re doing a juice cleanse, stay home with no food and just sleep for three days.

    9:49 p.m. I finished juice number five, and it was VERY gingery. I’m a bigger fan of Nickleback than I am of this drink. Also, I just want some fried chicken and Chipotle. I’m now staring at a bag of chips from across the room in my bed. Heavily debating whether or not to sneak one, but I have too much pride (and a really aggressive conscious).

    11:47 p.m. Finished my last drink called “Glo” and enjoyed it very much. I would definitely enjoy a Dominos pizza way more but oh well. Time to go to sleep or pass out from the lack of usual calories. We’ll see which happens first…

    Day 2

    11:12 a.m. Woke up after sleeping in because I’m worth it. I actually feel…great? I know, I’m surprised too. I don’t feel hungry or anything, but I have to unleash the Pacific Ocean from my bladder.

    12:34 p.m. I just finished the first juice of the day. Really delicious, but I’m already hungry and my apartment smells like pizza. So, there’s that.

    1:37 p.m. Finished juice number two called the “Fountain of Youth”, and I feel like Jennifer Anniston. It may be my favorite drink of the cleanse.

    4:17 p.m. I finished “Doctor Earth” and it was worse than I remembered. I thought I was going strong today, but as the day progressed, I desperately want food…and to not be an adult anymore but that’s life, Chris.

    6:47 p.m. I went to Duane Reade to get a jug of water because that’s the only other f%*&ing thing I can put into my body besides these damn juices. I’m getting frustrated with not being able to eat, as you can tell. New York gets boring real quick when you take solid food out of the equation.

    7:14 p.m. – Finished a red drink called “Lucky Seven”, and I hated it as much as I hate school.

    9:04 p.m. Just sharted my pants.

    9:09 p.m. False alarm.

    Day 3

    11:41 a.m.  I just woke up and am feeling great mostly because I’m thinking about all of the food I will be knee deep in tomorrow.

    12:14 p.m. Finished juice number one. I have so much motivation to make it through to the end of today.

    3:29 p.m. I forget how many juices I’ve finished at this point, but I can assure you that they all tasted very green and very NOT like a cheeseburger with a side of fries.

    5:47 p.m. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel…or is that just a neon sign advertising 99¢ pizza? Either way, I’m very into it.

    7:01 p.m. Jamming to Justin Bieber’s new song “What Do You Mean” which was exactly what I told the Juice Press staff when they said I couldn’t eat for three days.

    9:58 p.m. I JUST FINISHED MY LAST JUICE! I would do a celebratory dance but that would require more energy that I have so let’s just use our imaginations.

    IMG_6537

    As you can see, I am GLOing with happiness that I had just finished my last juice (it’s okay, I hate myself for that pun too)

    What to expect when doing a juice cleanse: So, unless you’ve slipped into a coma at the beginning of this adventure and woke up here, at the end of the story, the point to take away is that you can’t have food unless you count a few almonds. It is possible to do but it also takes a lot of will power. The first day was the hardest for me. After that, I began to feel more and more like an asshat because the cleanse was all I talked about. Then, I got mad at my friends for eating food. Sorry, friends.

    Stock up on adult diapers. You will live in the bathroom. I’m trying my best to avoid being graphic for our sensitive reader with social graces. But anyway, let’s just say that as a guy, I didn’t have to sit down quite as much during the cleanse. When I did though, it was a runny doozy.

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    The day after the cleanse with my one true love #relationshipgoals

    All in all, it really wasn’t as bad as I was expected, but then again, I was expecting to look and feel malnourished and be well on my way to my deathbed. Would I do it again? Probably not. I love solid food far more than the average human should. However, I did feel very healthy and I did notice my skin clear up. Was it a coincidence I didn’t have a single zit either or those three days? That’s not important. Anyway, duty calls, a.k.a. a very large plate of Pad Thai!

  • TheLoDown