…and I’m Having an OK TimeChronicles of a Hair-Dyer
Wednesdays are reserved for adventures.
Hey, LoDown fam! It’s Chris again, the sad sack of garbage who brought you the juice cleanse story. I’m back because you all enjoyed reading about my agony (how dare you). On this particular adventure, I will explore the world of hair dying. Now, I won’t be talking about going to a salon or whatever people who have money and time do to get their hair professionally done because that would be too simple and too easy. I’m talkin’ about sitting on my bed while my friend, who is visiting, has no time to think of an excuse to get out of helping me. Ah, friendship.
But first, where are my manners? Allow me to give you some backstory as to why I dyed my hair. A few months ago, I stole a MacBook from the Apple Store and ended up killing a man to get away and needed a new identity. Just kidding, although that would probably make for a much better adventure—maybe next month?
In all seriousness, I’ve wanted to dye my hair white for so long because I just wanted to do something crazy and live on the edge. Naturally, I turn to hair dying for that rush of adrenaline. I know, I know. I’m WILD!!!! One day, I thought long and hard, which means maybe 2 minutes tops, about it and realized that it’s only hair, and as the great Drake once said, “YOLO”.
To be honest, I went into this process like Helen Keller went up stairs—very blindly. I couldn’t have known less when I walked into Ricky’s NYC to get an buttload of hair bleach (yes, buttload is an actual form of measurement) and a bunch of other miscellaneous stuff. Back at my apartment, my room suddenly felt like the set of Breaking Bad because my friend Dori and I were mixing chemicals with other chemicals in a very small space.
Here are all of the chemicals I put in my hair…science is cool!!!!
#friendshipgoals or me not giving her any other options? Basically the same thing…
After 45 minutes and tolerating the feeling of each hair being plucked out one by one, I washed the first round of bleach out only to find that I looked like a mass-murdering Ed Sheeran to star in a redundant Marvel film coming out early next year. At this point, I was saying what my mom probably said at my birth, “WHAT THE F%$K HAVE I DONE”?
My “Ed Sheeran just landed a role as a villain in a Marvel film” look
I am a goddamn trendsetter, guys.
After recuperating, we did a second round of bleach to get my hair even lighter. At this point, it felt as if every Boy Scout troop ever created was having a bonfire on top of my head. Fun! I washed that out and toned my hair with a “Pale Ash Blonde” color, which to me translated to “a bunch of adjectives all describing the same thing” but that is neither here nor there. By now, I was happy with the color, mostly because it didn’t feel super yellow blonde and because I had left behind my role in the upcoming Marvel film. Looking back on it now, with a head full of dead white hair, I hate the color “Pale Ash Blonde” created.
The outcome of the “Pale Ash Blonde”, or as normal people call it: “Gray blonde”
You may be asking, “But Chris! How did you get your hair white?”. Fantastic question, *insert your name here*. The secret to getting your hair as light as possible without fully killing it is using Shimmer Light’s purple shampoo and conditioner. I leave the conditioner in for 3-5 minutes. It’s crazy how well the conditioner turned my hair white/slight purple tint.
You also may be asking, “But Chris! Was it worth it?”. Okay, first of all, you need to relax with all these questions. But yes, I couldn’t feel happier and more myself with my new hair. I look at old photos with my brown hair and I feel like that isn’t the real me. I am so much more confident and have learned to really live for myself and not worry about what other people think, which hasn’t ever really been an issue for me. My message to you would be to just do it if you’re thinking about dying your hair. It’s hair. But also, it’s really difficult hair to maintain. I was thinking I would just dye my hair and everything would be great, but it’s a lot of maintenance, which is something I absolutely despise.
Finally! My hair is so white, it can talk back to cops and get away with it (Photo by Alivia Latimer)
I can’t believe I just wrote a whole adventure about my hair, but it’s happened and there’s no turning back now. Let me know in the comments which hair color you like better and also what color you would want to dye your hair!
Team Brown? Team White? Team Who-Gives-A-F*$K-About-My-Hair-Color?