[title subtitle=”It was Awesome”]I Spent $28.50 on a chipotle Burrito Bowl[/title] Hey, Guys! It’s Chris again—the fulltime fatass who has forced my dysfunctional life upon you whether you like it or not. When thinking of an adventure for this week, I seriously considered my options. Yoga? Nah. Vegan? Absolutely not. And then, it hit me.
I’ve read plenty of articles on how to get the most “bang for your buck” at Chipotle. As a raging enthusiast of the restaurant chain, however, I have fantasized scenarios on how much I could spend on a single burrito bowl—nothing short of a personal dream I’ve had since gliding out of my mom’s…nevermind. Thus, another out of hand LoDown adventure was born.
Last Monday, September 28, I decided to hit up the Chipotle on St. Marks, the one I frequent way more than I do my own home. Side note: that was for sure one of, if not, the saddest sentences I have ever typed. Yikes. Anyway, I walked into 19 St. Marks Place feeling like this adventure was my destiny, which is also how I fully expect to feel when greeted at the gates of hell after I die from the monster I am about to create.
I make my way to the counter and am greeted by an elderly woman who is just trying her best and is by no means ready for this jelly. I immediately start listing my demands before she even has time to ask me what I’d like to order, further proving my addiction to food.
“I’d like rice, black and pinto beans, aaaaand (wait for it) double of every meat, please,” I say. It was in that moment I honestly thought the poor old woman was going to drop to the floor from cardiac arrest. I’m pretty sure her eyes widened the biggest they’ve ever been in her entire life. “You want DOUBLE of every meat?” she asked with the utmost confusion. She clearly didn’t know she was dealing with an Olympic gold metal fatass.
Between piling on the meats and making sure they don’t spill from the bowl (very important), she hollers out to the cashier, “Hey, Linda, are you keeping track of all of this?” After the meats are in the bowl, she tells me that the rest of the toppings, which included double guac, will have to be put in another bowl because there was no more room in the current bowl. Goals.
I get to the cash register and nervously anticipate the damage I’m about to do to my bank account and my already piece-of-shit body. She rings up the total, which turned out to be $28.50. Much like reading the bible and finding out Jesus died (spoiler alert), I was sad and disappointed, but I then reminded myself that Jesus died for me to do this…I think. I don’t know, I read the Sparknotes.
Anyway, back to the more important matter, my 14-pound burrito bowl. After a struggle on par with the Great Depression and The Oregon Trail, I finally mixed everything together in one bowl and went to town on my creation. Actually, I’d say I was on my way to town but had to turn around because I forgot my wallet at home because I could only finish half of the monstrosity I created.
Yes, it was almost $30, but the good thing is that I had food (and irritable bowel syndrome) for the rest of the week. Oh, the memz.
Moral of the story, friends: The guac isn’t always greener on the other side.
Feel free to share my story with your friends especially those who share my addiction with Chipotle, but in the meantime, I have a toilet to clog. Until next time, guys!